Written by Mr. Mouseburger 26th May 2008

Who is General Zod you might ask? Well, Zod was a leading figure in Krypton politics, until his slightly maniacal behaviour gets the better of him. The choice of fashion is somewhat bizarre; a strange mix of Kenny Everett’s beard and the clothing of a sado-masochistic dustman.

Subsequently, Zod is caught, tried and convicted of his crimes and he is banished to the Phantom Zone, trapped in a very poorly pastiche-d square mirror thingamajig that comes out of the sky and imprisons Zod and his two co-conspirators, Ursa and Non. This is a somewhat strange decision for the ruling council to make because, by this point, the inhabitants of Krypton know that their Sun is dying and will destroy them, so it makes little sense to release these people into space (thereby guaranteeing them survival) while the only people who can stop them are left to die on the planet.

Anyway, the square mirror thingamajig floats through space until it gets near to Earth and, with immense improbability, it is indirectly broken by Superman, who was throwing a nuclear bomb that had been planted in the elevator of the Eiffel Tower into deep space at the time. Needless to say, this mirror has survived countless blasts by meteors on its journey and yet does not have a scratch on it, but a tiny shockwave from a nuclear blast causes the mirror to shatter into a gazillion pieces.

With Zod and his cohorts released, they soon arrive on Earth, where naturally things take a turn for the worse. They terrorise Hicksville, USA by firing laser beams from their eyes and so it is not long before the limpest president in the history of Hollywood cinema is handing them complete control of the known universe (well, North America anyway).

Superman has at this point fallen in love with Lois Lane, a foxy reporter, and in an act of complete selfishness, he renounces all his obligations as a superhero to become a mortal man, Clark Kent. This process involves being exposed to Krypton’s rays via some green crystal shard. Upon seeing Zod on TV, Clark Kent realises that he must reverse the process and become Superman again, which he does, despite the audience being told 10 minutes earlier that the change is irreversible.

Superman and Zod square off in a badly choreographed set of fight sequences, but it is not long before Superman has to retreat to his base in the North pole to protect other innocent people from getting hurt.

Zod follows him to his base and has realised that Superman’s weakness is his love for humanity, in particular for Lois Lane, so he has brought her along as added insurance. Superman is trapped, he can’t leave, and Lois will be killed if he does not do the General’s bidding, and so he is ordered to go into the “superpower de-flowering chamber”, and then swear fealty to Zod.

This is the ultimate humiliation for Superman, who is the son of Jar-El, the man who imprisoned Zod, so it is quite symbolic to see Superman come out of the chamber kneel in front of Zod and clasp hands with the General, in a sign of defeat. Then something unexpected happens; the expression on Zod’s face changes from one so pre-orgasmic glee to excruciating agony. Superman lifts the General into the air with ease, and with a shake of his head hurls the General across the room and into a wall where he falls into an icy abyss, to his death.

It takes Lex Luthor to explain to a mystified audience what has happened; that Superman had “switched it”, the rays were outside the “superpower de-flowering chamber” while he was safely locked inside. Utter tosh!