Written by Old Bluffer 31st Jan 2006
Boba Fett is an enigmatic bounty hunter who wears signature Mandalorian battle armour, trimmed with wookie scalps and fitted with a personal rocketpack (bounty hunters are notoriously vain and enjoy accessorising).
Now years of watching Hollywood films has taught us that strapping anything that requires a flammable fuel source to your body will end in tears, and sadly for Fett this axiom remains true.
His ignominious downfall isn't even a deliberate attack; his rocket pack is prematurely ignited by a blind Han Solo, and he becomes a human missile aimed into the Pit of Carkoon, and ultimately into the maw of the Sarlacc.
Now this death is a controversial addition, as technically Boba Fett isn't dead by the end of the Star Wars series. This is because the Sarlacc has the intriguing special ability of being able to prolong its prey's suffering for a thousand years.
Quite why scientists haven't dug up a few Sarlaccs and tried to isolate the process that bestows this longevity isn't clear, but I suppose we could argue that they have done, but can't remove the side-effects of excruciating agony:
Buy Sarlacc Juice!
(Imperial Health Warning: this immortality potion may cause millennia of unbearable torment during which time you would beg for death if you could only stop screaming).
More seriously, the Sarlacc may well strip off flesh and bone and interface directly with any bodies that fall into its pit, keeping its victims alive by pumping nutrition directly into the organs it has decided to keep for its own disgusting and alien ends.
Either way, it is reasonable to say that being digested by a Sarlacc is one of the nastier forms of death, and we can see why throwing creatures into the Sarlacc Pit would be an enjoyable and amusing day out for Jabba the Hutt.
Now Boba Fett has emerged as one of the most popular characters from the Star Wars saga, and it is therefore no surprise that a lot of fan-fiction and even the odd official spin-off story has resurrected Fett from his intestinal prison.
Despite this though, I am still declaring him to be a worth addition to our database. I'll even admit I quite like the idea of Fett blasting his way out the Sarlacc's stomach in a later film and living to exact revenge on Solo - but consider the ramifications:
- There would be loads of new Boba Fett toys that were far less cool than the ones we knew and loved from our childhood. In fact, there'd probably even be a "beanie baby" version.
- We'd have to endure Inappropriate Merchandising such as Manadalorian McFries and Boba Fett penis rings that would further damage Fett's persona.
- George Lucas would probably also give the new Fett an annoying CGI comedy sidekick, voiced by Eddie Murphy or Robin Williams.
So for all these reasons, we consider the enigmatic bounty hunter would probably rather remain where he is, slowly dissolving in a lake of gastric juices. And after unwisely rewatching some of the Phantom Menace over Christmas, this reviewer can see his point.