Written by Mr. Mouseburger 21st Aug 2006

Kindly submitted by Jack Vallick

The biggest mistake that a douche-bag can make in the criminal underworld? Being a cowardly sadist who can't hurt anyone but women, falling out of favour with the local mob syndicate and needing one-hundred and forty grand to buy your way back in and pissing off tough-guy Porter (Mel Gibson) by turning his wife into a heroin-addict and having her shoot him in the back.

For the title of "supreme movie bastard", Val Resnick committed all of the above.

After beating Porter's one-time mistress, Rosie, Val steals an implicating picture of Porter and her sharing a sex-filled night. He later uses this during their heist on group of "Chows" (Asian crime syndicate) to force Porter's wife into betraying her husband and killing him.

Once Porter has been gunned down in a warehouse, relieved of his $70,000 share of the theft and having his face rearranged by a pair of steel-toed boots -- you'd think Mel was out for the count. But not.

Porter returns from the dead and works his way through the local mob in order to reclaim his cut. Once news of this hits Resnick's boss, Mr. Carter, the Outfit decides to have Val do his own dirty work to find and kill Porter. He first attempts this by having the Chows (who don't know he had just as big a part in their theft as Porter) attack and attempt to relieve Porter of his balls.

When that fails, Val tracks down Porter's gal; Rosie. He pulls her around her flat by the hair, smacks her around, and even shoots her dog (ironically named Porter, as well). Finally, Val knocks a terrified Rosie to the floor and prepares to rape her when his old friend bursts through the door...

BAM! Porter is a little faster to the draw than Val and he viciously guns Val down, enough to drop him to the floor. To show how ruthless a Mel Character can really be, he blasts Val's kneecap when he reaches for his second pistol. Eventually, Porter ends up sitting over-top of his buddy with a pillow in one hand and a .357 in the other.

Val is quick to switch sides again, and half-heartedly offers to help Porter get his money back from the Outfit. Porter borrows a cigarette from Val. Then some information. When Porter asks Val if he has a light, he tells him that he doesn't. In true ruthless fashion, Porter asks Val: "Then what good are ya?"

He takes on hand and puts the pillow over Val's face. Shoots him in the forehead with the other; using Val's own pistol.

A fitting end to a real arsehole.