Written by Old Bluffer 31st Jan 2007

As with any good Creature Feature with a mutated animal as the star, an expert on that particular genus needs to be called in to explain to the audience how incredibly dangerous and terrifying the beast is.
In King Cobra, that expert is Nick Hashimoto, a diminuitive Herpetologist played by Pat "Mr. Miyagi" Morita. If we're honest, this was pretty much why we bought the film in the first place, so we're glad to report that he does suffer Death by Snake, and in a relatively spectacular fashion too.

Nick Hashimoto demonstrates his awe inspiring grasp of advanced animal husbandry.

First of all though, he needs to do his bit with the local authorities, which he does by scrawling all over their "incident map" in black felt tip. He writes "Cobra" and "Rattlesnake" and then draws a family tree line joining them. This concise slideshow serves to illustrate that the snake is an unholy cross betwixt a King Cobra and a Diamondback Rattlesnake (achieved through gene splicing by Meddling Boffins of course). We are then told various facts and figures like one drop of the venom is enough to kill 165,000 mice or 300 giraffes, of maybe even 350 if some are a bit under the weather anyway, or perhaps 6 blue whales... - well, you get the general idea.
The potency of this venom is rather exciting for Mr Miyagi, as his character has been injecting himself with increasingly strong venom for decades in order to build up a tolerance (in a Dread Pirate Roberts fashion). Remember this, as it will of course have an effect later on.

Now I'm going to skip through the plot of the film, as quite honestly it is derivative rubbish, and not even in an entertaining way.
Instead, fast forward to the climactic scene where Mr Miyagi attempts to capture the snake.
The plan consists of staking a goat out in a forest clearing, with a specially designed "thumper" device that vibrates at a frequency attractive to mutant reptiles.

Mr Miyagi and the rest of the forgettable ensemble that haven't yet been eaten by the snake wait behind a fallen tree. Quite why they are all there isn't clear though, as Miyagi has already told them in no uncertain terms that No Guns Are To Be Used. The rationale for this is weak at best, but is explained once we realise that he doesn't actually want to kill the snake.

So, rather than shooting his prize, Miyagi intends to use a ridiculously large handheld gripper-and-hook device to manhandle the snake into a comically cyllindrical gas chamber.
Now the idea of using a hook on a pole to handle snakes is quite good when they are only a few inches in diameter, but it doesn't really scale when they loom 15' above your head. Also, Miyagi has already proudly told us that he's been bitten over 160 times during his professional career, so we have to assume his reactions aren't all that sharp - no catching flies with chopsticks in this movie!


Armed with a massive coat hanger, Hashimoto lies in wait with his Utterly Useless Companions.

Miyagi won't let his small stature stop him though, and he waits for the cobra to eat the goat.

[At this point I have to laugh, as the giant rubber snake does not scare the live goat in this movie at all. So we are treated to a HUGE cobra looming in front of an apathetic goat]


Bemused Goat.

The plan is scuppered though, when the eyepatch wearing Original Boffin who is with Miyagi decides to shoot the snake, even though he was told not to. Miyagi, sensing the ultimate challenge of his career is about to be spoiled, pushes aside the gun barrel, and the shot misses.

[incidentally, this scares the crap out of the previously calm goat, and it easily breaks its tether and runs - brilliant!]

Mysteriously, the 30' snake teleports away to safety (it does that a lot in this film), so Miyagi has to go hunting for it.


Not content with his array of poles and gadgets, Mr Miyagi taunts the snake with his coat.

All too soon, the snake is back, and to his credit, our brave snake expert shows no fear. In fact he even eyeballs it from about an inch away, and the snake backs down first, which is impressive.


King Cobra's homage to Alien 3.


Man who catch snake with coat hanger accomplish anything!

Predictably though, his oversized swiss army knife assortment of poles and hooks proves ineffective at controlling the snake, and he gets bitten.
BUT... remember he has been hyping up his venom intolerence? Well this means he can sneer at the snake and say "Is that all you've got?!" This was really quite stylish, ruined only by him then collapsing due to the poison. Groggily, he gets to his feet again, this time with more respect for the abomination of nature in front of him.
The cobra is rightly puzzled by his prey's reluctance to die, and bites him again.

And again.

And yet again.

In fact, Mr Miyagi receives at least five full on power strikes, with fangs the size of cucumbers repeatedly plunging into his chest.
In short, this is a balls-to-the-wall Boromir type death - only without any hobbits to defend, and less budget.


Cobra Kai - Banzai!

Incidentally, two of the other characters (some crap female cop with an equally crap town doctor who share an interminably dull relationship backstory with each other) do manage to lure the snake into the Giant Miyagi Gas Tube of Snake Death. However, the twist at the end of the film is that they assumed the gas was poisonous, but it is actually only sleeping gas - doh!