Written by Mr. Mouseburger 21st May 2006
Kindly submitted by Kooshmeister
Alfred is the Mayflowers' loyal butler, with whom they occasionally have wild S&M parties. Described by Minerva as a "dry, British madman" Alfred also serves as her and Darwin's personal assassin. He has a sadistic streak a mile wide, and prefers to kill his victims using spring-loaded switchblades he keeps concealed in his sleeves. Following the deaths of Darwin and Minerva and the destruction of Da Vinci's gold machine, Hudson Hawk and Anna Baragli are attempting to flee the explosions only to find their path blocked by Alfred.
Alfred is now, for some reason, wearing Native American war paint on his face, and even holds up his hand and says, "How!" After having an argument about "whose turn" it is to fight, Hawk steps forward to face the psychotic butler, who whips out both of his switchblades and proceeds to make a very lengthy attempt to slice his opponent to ribbons with them.
Anna, grabbing a pistol from a dead henchman, attempts to assist Hawk by shooting at Alfred but, being a girl, she misses both times and narrowly avoids killing Hawk instead. Soon enough Alfred has Hawk right where he wants him, pinned to one of the gold room's large wooden double doors with a blade on either side of his throat. However, Hawk turns the tables on his opponent by kneeing Alfred in the groin. This allows him to shove Alfred away, and Alfred apparently has a death grip on the knives because, as he falls back, he pulls both blades out of the door, freeing Hawk.
Hawk shoves Alfred against the opposite door, grabbing his arms and forcing them up so he is now the one pinned with a blade on either side of his neck. Alfred looks understandably panicked, but still does not let go of the knives. Hawk then swings the huge door, with Alfred stuck to it, and slams it shut. This dislodges the knives, knocking Alfred loose, and his refusal to let go of the knives ends up costing him dearly: he falls down face-first and accidentally slices off his own head.
His disembodied head rolls past a shocked Anna as Hawk then comes up with the worst Bond-esque one liner ever: "You won't be attending that hat convention in July!"