Written by Mr. Mouseburger 4th Jun 2007

Kindly Submitted by Gilderoy Lockhart

Professor Quirinus Quirrell is the effeminate Defence against the Dark Arts teacher at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Unbeknownst to anyone, he is a faithful servant to He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named-But-Inevitably-Is-Mentioned-An-Inordinate-Number-Of-Times-Throughout-The-Course-Of-The-Film, Lord Voldemort. However, to make him more innocent in the eyes of the audience, he speaks with a stutter and gives the impression that he is both a coward and an ineffectual fool. This is classic "Scooby Doo" misdirection though, so that any eight year olds that are watching don't suspect he is actually a villain.

After failing to steal the Philosopher's Stone (American audiences will recognise this as the Sorceror’s Stone, as they were deemed not clever enough to understand the term) - a powerful stone that produces the elixir of life - from Gringott's Bank, the evil spirit of Lord Voldemort. is reduced to residing within the life essence of Quirrell. This has the rather unwanted side-effect of Voldemort’s face appearing on the back of Quirrell's head. It doesn’t take a Muggle to work out this is not normal, even in the wizarding world, and so quite understandably the professor wraps his head in a turban.

By this time, the Philosopher’s Stone has been moved to Hogwarts school, where it has been protected by traps and puzzles so devious, that even a fox who has just been made a professor of cunning at Oxford University* would have trouble getting past them. Well, I say that but, Professor Quirrell easily makes it past the traps (through insider knowledge), as does spotty ten year old oik Potter and his chums (who earn about 800,000 house points in the process, elevating Gryffendor’s position in the house cup from last place to first in one fell swoop, and thereby making all the hard efforts of all the other pupils throughout the course of the year completely meaningless).

At the end of the film Harry becomes trapped with Quirell deep underground facing the final puzzle; a mirror which shows you what you desire the most, but will only give it to you if you promise not to do anything with it. Potter quickly works out the secret of the puzzle, and the Philosopher’s Stone appears in his pocket. Voldemort realises that Potter knows how to get the stone, and so orders Quirrell to remove the turban and reveal himself. He then tries to seduce Harry with the dark side of the force, promising that they can rule the galaxy together (or words to that effect). Harry rejects this offer, and Voldemort orders Quirrell to kill him. Quirrell tries to strangle him, but as Potter grabs Quirrell's hand to resist, he gives out a girlish shriek as his hand turns to dust. This defies all rational explanation, so we just have to accept this is “magic”. Emboldened, Harry then reaches up and touches both hands on Quirrell’s face, which also disintegrates, killing him.