Written by Mr. Mouseburger 16th Mar 2009

Written by Kooshmeister



Malmess is an evil assassin sent by "the opposition party" to Japan to murder Princess Selina Salno so that some grumpy fat guy in a Tudor ruff can take control of Selgina (a mainstay of many asian cinema plots). He and his henchmen are thwarted several times both by the heroic Detective Shindo, and by the annoying kaiju Godzilla and Rodan, who keep showing up at the most inopportune times. You would almost think the monsters were just men in costumes, such is their understanding of human nature....

Still, Malmess is determined to kill the Princess, come hell or high water, and giant monsters be damned. Even the threat of King Ghidorah, destroyer of worlds, isn't enough to deter this guy. OK, we have now safely established that he is one seriously motivated assassin. The greatest example of just how dedicated he is comes shortly before his death, when a lightning blast from Ghidorah causes a landslide that buries his Mercedes-Benz under a ton of rocks. Everyone inside is killed except Malmess, who extracts himself from the mangled wreck, bloodied, weary, his once sharp suit torn and ruined, and probably more than a few broken bones...and yet he still he continues on.

Whilst Shindo and the Princess are busy watching the film's monster battle royale, with Godzilla, Rodan and Mothra teaming up against King Ghidorah, the bloodied Malmess climbs up to an elevated position with a sniper rifle. He opens fire, but the bullet only grazes Princess Salno's ear. Shindo, the super-cop, returns fire but misses. Malmess shoots the detective's gun right out of his hand (!) and even plugs him in the arm for his troubles. Now Shindo and the Princess are helpless and at the assassins mercy. Malmess prepares to finish them off....

....when suddenly help comes from the unlikeliest of sources: another stray blast from Ghidorah, intended for Godzilla, flies over and strikes the top of the cliff Malmess is standing under. He whirls around and watches as many thousands of tons of rock comes hurtling down the mountainside towards him. The avalanche smashes into the little outcropping Malmess is standing on, and the poor sap even manages to catch one of the bigger boulders in his arms (!!) which sends them flying off the edge and into the abyss with a cry, ending the threat of this evil assassin forever.