Written by Mr. Mouseburger 25th Jul 2005
Tortured soul Jericho Cane (now that is what I call a nice biblical name!!) is an alcoholic ex-cop who contemplates suicide every Christmas. Why is he alcoholic? Well, his wife and child were killed while he was working in the line of duty. Subsequently, Jericho has no time for God these days which is a shame, as Satan, after 2000 years incarceration, returns to Earth to bring about Armageddon. How is he going to do this? Obviously by boning the film's bit of fluff, Christine, at precisely 12:00am January 1st, 2000.
Jericho is slowly (and painfully) converted towards saving mankind, and manages to confront Satan in a church. Appearing to have destroyed the Devil (something that God, with all his omnipotent power never managed to achieve), Jericho realises that the Devil has possessed his body and is trying to pork Christine through him.
Like all good gentlemen, Jericho decides to spare Christine the horror of the steroid enhanced brute forcing his attentions on her, and so he impales himself theatrically on the the sword of a fallen statue. The Devil, with no other vessels to inhabit, is finally defeated.
[Religious scholars will see the subtle and cleverly constructed parallels between Jericho Cane and Jesus Christ here. Their initials are the same, they were both tempted by the Devil and refused him and they both died on the cross to save mankind. Pure Genius!!]
If my memory serves me correctly, and you will have to forgive me as I was vomiting into my popcorn at this point, Christine sees a ghost of Jericho reunited with his wife and child, thereby intimating that our hero will be rewarded in the kingdom of heaven. That left me with a warm feeling all over.....or maybe that was just me pissing myself laughing.
Mouse, you need to lend me this DVD as I still haven't seen it, and a 1% score makes me want to...
From the write-up, should there not be an "impaled" category on this?
heh, it is a treat to watch, i love it!!
i will add some images to it later, i have narrowed the list down to 15 but i dont want to lose any more as the whole fell of the silliness will not be acheived.
oh, added impaled too.
I notice that it counts as both "suicide" and "Self-Sacrifice" I believe that needs to be corrected.
Speaking of suicide, I heard that it warrants damnation!
The thing that saves this death from being 0% is that it is the only film, aside from the Terminator quadrilogy, where Schwarzenegger (Spelled correctly!) dies!
Schwarzenegger did not need to die in this film.
The only reason he does the Self-Sacrificial leap onto the spike, is to stop Old Nick from posessing his body and then impregnating Christine.
So, all he really needed to do was use the sword to slice off his 'nads and Satan would have been impotent!
But he's a man, dammit, and that's a fate worse than death!
In fact, the only way the box office for this film could be any lower was if they actually did an on-screen castration.
If you were having that hard of a time controlling your actions, what would be a safer way to save the world from damnation, jumping on to a sword, or taking off your pants, undies, then subsequently cutting off your willy with a sword which may or may not be sharp enough to cut something off?
It's clear that this conversation has taken and odd and somewhat disturbing turn.
I'm just saying even though I could probably take my pants off with only 1 hand (or no hands if they were sweat pants) it would be slow, awkward, and involve a lot of falling down. Arnie could barely move himself to fall on to the sword. Then, if he did manage to do the diabolical deed, the devil would still inhabit him, allowing him to take another stab at Christine's life, if only in revenge. And finally, even if he also forced the devil out with his testicles, what would life be like for a man like Arnold Schwartzneggenheimervaltz? I think he would have eventually killed himself anyway, or degenerated into a shell of a man destined to star in Junior 2: this time the challenge is getting a woman pregnant!
P.S. any new patrons from Joblo, just so you know this is not normally what our conversations are like, they usually consist of something like;
What if Inattentive guard did not die?
It wasn't aimed straight at your comment but more the topic as a whole. But those are some resonable points there.
And no, that wasn't an intentional innuendo.
[quote=Briggsy]P.S. any new patrons from Joblo, just so you know this is not normally what our conversations are like, they usually consist of something like;
What if Inattentive guard did not die?[/quote]
U r the biggest loser man that couldn't even get the message of the movie.Which was that if humans trust in themselves and have faith in god they can defeat anything even the devil or Satan himself.Do all of us a favour and to Ur self don't showoff to all the world that u r a typical jack***.
We get the message, but the ability to understand it doesn't take away from the fact it was portrated in an incredibly hammy fashion.