Written by Mr. Mouseburger 5th May 2006

Kindly submitted by Eno

Simon Phoenix is an ultra-violent, mass-murdering criminal who, rather implausibly, is put into cryo-stasis to await trial in the future, instead of being executed in the present. However, to pass the time in stasis, he is enhanced by mental conditioning which makes him stronger and smarter than before, and secretly defrosted by the powers-that-be in an attempt to destroy a group of hippy beatniks that offend the sensibilities of the middle classes in this futuristic society.

Once you realise that Sandra Bullock's character is wetter than a haddock's bathing costume, it comes as no surprise that the police of the future are woefully unprepared for Phoenix, who cuts a swathe of “murder, death, kills” through the centre of San Angeles.

In a desperate attempt to restore order, the police call on an “old school” cop, John Spartan, who was also in cryo-stasis. Being the man who captured Phoenix in the past, they figure that he will be able to apprehend him now. Little do they realise that this maverick cop is just as unconventional as Phoenix himself as well as being a barbarian, who does not know who to use the "three shells" in the bathroom...

The two have their final battle in the CryoPrison, where Phoenix and a band of underground criminals are thawing out murderers and maniacs with which to take over the gentle city with. Spartan breaks in just in time to stop them from thawing any of them out, and he and Phoenix are once again at an impasse, similar to the beginning of the film. This is further emphasised when Spartan quotes something Phoenix said during their standoff at the beginning, slightly altered to fit the situation.

"Is it cold in here, or is it just me?"
"...Good memory."

The pair clash, with Phoenix having the upper hand to begin with due to his superior conditioning, but Spartan manages to pull it back for a while. Unfortunately this does not last, Phoenix once again getting the better of the cop and knocking him to the floor. All the while, water is pouring on them from the sprinklers above. Spartan seems beaten, and Phoenix picks up a metal pole with which he intends to finish off our hero. Instead of just killing Spartan though, Phoenix makes the mistake of all movie villains by protracting the execution long enough for the hero to fight back.

"This... is the best day of my life!" Phoenix says, but the time taken to deliver this line proves costly, as Spartan plays his trump card; lying next to him is a metal tube containing a substance that instantly freezes water, which was used to freeze all the criminals, including Phoenix and Spartan. Phoenix realises too late what Spartan intends to do, and he yells in defiance, before rearing back and trying to plunge the pole into Spartan before he can use the tube.

However, he is not fast enough, as Spartan hits the tube on the ground, releasing the substance, before leaping up and grabbing hold of a crane so that his feet are not touching the water-covered floor. The substance reacts instantly with the water, freezing it as well as Phoenix, who for dramatic tension takes slightly longer to freeze, as the effect painfully climbs through his body. Spartan, who is swinging in a complete circle on the crane he grabbed onto, swings back round and, with a cry of "Heads up!" he smashes into Phoenix's head feet-first, causing it to detach and bounce across the ground before shattering into pieces.