Written by Old Bluffer 23rd Aug 2007

The first thing you should know about The Core is that it is so implausible as to be entertaining in its own right, just from the sheer nonsense nature of the quasi-scientific plot. In fact, the ideas are so ridiculous that a Canadian university allegedly uses it in one of their courses as an exercise for their science students to pick it to pieces.

Once the above is realised though, it allows us to settle down, let our brains melt and enjoy one of the funniest sci-fi disaster flicks ever made.

The premise is that the Earth's magnetic field is failing, which will doom all life on earth.  This is shown to us at a reasonably frenetic pace through such enjoyable silliness as homing pigeons crashing wildly into buildings, people with pacemakers keeling over stone dead and a memorable presentation by a Boffin to a clueless US military, where he takes an apple, and proceeds to flambe it with a lighter and a can of hairspray (the apple is Planet Earth you see, and the flaming jet of hairspray is our sun blasting us once we lose the protection of our planet's electromagnetic shield).


So it is well established that we are all going to have to either get used to wearing factor 8 million sunscreen and lead underpants, or that we need to give some squabbling scientists some money so they can come up with a crazy plan to save the Earth.

The squabbling scientists they choose are Dr. Josh Keyes (of apple burning fame) and Dr. Conrad Zimski. Keyes is the hero of the piece, and is therefore a fairly dull character. This isn't a problem though, as it frees screentime for Zimski, who is the scheming, egotistical coward - and a highly entertaining job he does with this role too.

Between the two of them (well, Keyes comes up with the idea and Zimski takes the credit, naturally) they propose a plan of "jump starting" the molten core of the planet with a carefully timed sequence of nuclear explosions.  The only slight drawback to this idea is that they need to detonate their bombs thousands of miles down in the Earth's core, and the previous record for drilling is more like a dimple in a golf ball.

This would on the face of it scupper the whole plot, were it not for some sharp scriptwriting. So, another Boffin is quickly found, Dr "Braz" Brazzleton (whose career was of course shafted by Zimski years ago). Braz has conveniently just developed a laser so powerful that it will easily vapourise anything less dense than a diamond. So, the idea is to stick this laser on the front of a vehicle, turn it on and just drop the whole thing - the laser will dig a hole and gravity will do the rest.

Even this plan proves impossible due to the pesky laws of physics though, as the pressures and heat involved at these depths would mean anything man-made will collapse faster than an Imdb user posting goofs about the latest blockbuster.

Not a problem though, as Braz has also invented a new metal called "Unobtanium" - this is useful stuff as it is not only ridiculously stronga and completely heatproof, but it also converts heat to energy.

...to be continued. 



Just some notes for this film:

"I hate this sky"

Cmdr. Robert Iverson: crushed by falling object combustion

Serje : Dilemma, Crushed, Pressure, Tempting Fate "Papa picture" "Not the whole world Josh! Just three of them..."

Deep earth seismic trigger

"The core is an engine. You throw a small wrench in an engine and you stall it"

"An electric shock can stop a heart, and it can certainly start it - destiny will work!"

Bras: self-sacrifice combustion

"Unobtanium converts heat to energy, so this big ol ship is one giant solar panel"

copper wires on wall

zimsky explosion "what the f*** am I doing?"