Written by Old Bluffer 20th May 2009

The delectable Sandahl Bergman plays Valeria, the love interest in the greatest Barbarian movie ever made.  As one would hope, she is no pathetic maiden, but a bold swordswoman and thief, who has lived her whole life on the edge of adventure.

She meets Conan and Subotai at the foot of the Tower of the Snake Cult, which they are all intending to rob. Banding together, their audacious heist is a success and while they spend their ill-gotten gains on wine and debauchery she becomes Conan's lover.

Conan is driven by the need to avenge his parents though, and when King Osric tells him the location of their killer, Thulsa Doom, she realises that for the first time in her life she is afraid to lose what she has.  She starts babbling to Conan about her fears and how she would rather settle down together, so he does the manly thing and leaves her that very night, without even saying goodbye.  He's not entirely unsentimental though - as a parting keep-sake he leaves her the Eye of the Serpent jewel that they stole together the first time they met.

Having cut loose from his suddenly clingy girlfriend, Conan is in good spirits, and soon infiltrates the Snake Cultists' priesthood and has a prime location to view Thulsa Doom on his own temple steps. King Osric wants his brainwashed daughter rescued from the cult, but Conan is really only interested in a mission of revenge.

He has badly underestimated the powers of the cult leader though, and is quickly identified as an imposter and given a sound beating by Rexor and Thorgrim - Doom's mullet-sporting personal guards who look like they should be rocking out in Spinal Tap.

Never one to miss out on some cool dialogue, Doom shows off to his victim by telling him that The Riddle of Steel - the central tenet of Conan's life - is a folly, and that man's flesh is far stronger. He demonstrates this by choosing one of his innocent (but easily led) female worshippers to jump to her death (and smash up some perfectly good wooden decking).

"That is strength, boy! That is power! What is steel compared to the hand that wields it? Look at the strength in your body, the desire in our heart, I gave you this! Such a waste. Contemplate this on the Tree of Woe. Crucify him! "

The Tree of Woe is an impressively bleak tree located in an arid wasteland right in the middle of the arse end of nowhere, and Conan is duly nailed up on it.  Cimmerians don't die easily though, and he not only manages to not perish, he even uses his teeth to rip out the throat of a vulture that was rather too eager to begin feasting on him. Now that's a proper barbarian!

Just before he succumbs to death, Subotai appears on the horizon with Valeria, and cuts him free.  His wounds are mortal, so they take him to Conan's wizard friend, to plead for a spell to save his life.

The wizard (played of course by the brilliant Mako) admits that dark magic, pacts with the demonic underworld and thousands of runes written all over his body could save him, but warns Valeria that the demons will demand a price. She gladly accepts this, and thus her fate is sealed.

Fully healed up, and desperate to start butchering snake cultists, Conan leads his two companions into the heart of the snake cult in a truly majestic sequence. Blackened up with stylish body camouflage, they slink into the temple, and witness an orgy in full flow (replete with shagged out men in gimp masks).  Feeding off the energy is Thulsa Doom himself, and at the height of the debaucheries he begins to transform into a giant snake.

Valeria and Subotai set the temple alight, and Conan tips an enormous cauldron of scalding hot human hand stew down onto the revellers (this seems to be quite an effective way of killing passion).

The music now changes to the iconic Basil Poledouris score, and the heart-pounding horns and drums provide the perfect backdrop to the three adventurers slicing up all who oppose them in a marvelously gratuitous battle scene.  Conan wields his Atlantean sword with the force of an axe, cleaving anyone that comes near him. Subotai relies on multiple, lightning fast slashes, and Valeria fights perhaps the most stylishly of all, wielding a thieves scimitar with balletic economy or brutal fury as the situation demands. 

They grab King Osric's daughter as Conan fights Rexor and Thorgrim to a standstill and then make their escape (don't worry, the two heavy metal rockers will be back in the final battle!).

Needless to say, this escapade doesn't make Thulsa Doom a very happy bunny.

"Infidel Defilers. They shall all drown in lakes of blood. Now they will know why they are afraid of the dark. Now they will learn why they fear the night."

Walking to his temple balcony with his henchmen, Doom sees the three riding to freedom, which won't do at all.  Calmly, patiently, he takes one of his smaller pet snakes and hypnotises it so it turns into a rigid arrow. He then looses this from his bow and it flies unerringly into Valeria's back.  She shudders and by the time they arrive at the wizard's camp and remove the snake arrow, she is almost dead.

The resulting scene is genuinely rather poignant.  As Conan holds her, she speaks her final words, but he has no words to answer her.

"Kiss me. Let me breathe my last breath into your mouth.  I'm so cold! So... cold. Keep me... warm..."

This last request he can do for her, and a huge funeral pyre is set up. The wizard assures them that no fire will burn in such a sacred place, but perhaps Crom has approved this send off, a, to his amazement, the pyre ignites.

Thulsa Doom's warriors will of course see this, but that is the point - a flaming symbol of challenge and defiance to force a climactic battle with the snake cultists.

As Valeria burns, Subotai (who is a somewhat spiritual fellow) begins to weep.  "Why are you crying?" asks the wizard.

"He is Conan, the Cimmerian, he won't cry, so I cry for him."

Conan returns to stand with them, his face a turmoil of emotion. Wordlessly, he rips off the Wheel pendant that he has worn since his pit-fighting days, and replaces it with the Eye of the Serpent jewel that he gave to his love.

Valeria's role in the film is not quite over though, she will rise again in the final battle...