Written by Old Bluffer 20th May 2009
Thorgrim is the shorter of Thulsa Doom's elite bodyguards, standing only a mere 6'5". What he lacks in stature though, he more than compensates for with his weapon of choice - a ridiculously oversized hammer that looks like a cask of beer on a pole.
Along with Rexor, he participated in the raid that killed Conan's parents many years ago, and Conan has thirsted for revenge ever since.
The only other thing you need to know about Thorgrim is that he looks very much like a member of some silly 80s heavy metal band, which causes amusement every time he appears on screen.
Conan has already felt the force of this hammer against his blade, during the battle of the temple, but Thorgrim inadvertently allowed him to escape by striking one of the supporting pillars so hard that it fell down. Now that's a weapon to treat with respect!
Indeed, in the final battle, Conan doesn't attempt to engage the mullet-sporting warrior, and after receiving a crushing blow on the shoulder, instead relies on guile.
It should be pointed out that using trickery against these troops is a bit like debating meta-physics with a hedgehog - you'll win, but you can't really take much pride in your achievement. This is because Thulsa Doom's forces are stupid - really single digit IQ stupid. For example, in the afore-mentioned battle of the temple, when Conan struggles to tip an enormous bubbling cauldron of gloop onto them, most guards just stare vacantly upwards until the scalding liquid actually hits them and only then decide to try and run off.
This battle is another case in point. Conan and Subotai have spent the entire night setting up a mighty array of defences atop a hill. There are literally hundreds of sharpened stakes set up in concentric rings around the base, and once you're on top of the hill there are any number of choke points between giant stoneworks.
So, what does Thulsa Doom command his minions to do? An all out cavalry charge, that's what. [it could be argued that Doom doesn't care about the cost of human life, it is more important that he be seen to crush the infidel uprising with a show of force - also, his raiders are horsemen and seem to prefer mounted combat - but still, it is a tactical error]
This pans out much as you would expect, with Conan and Subotai ambushing the riders and horses going down onto the stakes everywhere you look. It is however intensely violent, which is what we all want from a Barbarian movie.
Cimmerians and Hyrkanians must be the worlds greatest carpenters too, as apart from all the pickets the've staked out, they've also found time to set up some more involved death traps. The best of which is the one which fools the hapless Thorgrim.
As noted, it's not going to win any design awards for "Most Ingenious Death Trap", consisting of simply a steel helmet behind a rock, connected to a trigger release. The only way this trap can be set off is if someone is dumb enough to whack the helmet with something heavy. Say, for example, a hammer... Oh dear, poor Thorgrim...
When Thorgrim spies the helmet, it's like all his Christmases have come at once bless him. He amusingly goes into "nothing to see here, I'm just minding my own business" mode, and then whirls around with a cry of triumph to bring his giant mallet onto the helmet. This triggers the release of a tree-trunk grade spike which snaps out sideways with enough force to completely skewer him (which must be a hell of a lot of force, as the spike doesn't look especially sharp, and Thorgrim is well armoured).
Conan now steps out to stare at his foe as he dies. He doesn't exactly gloat, but it must be pretty irksome for Thorgrim to have to die looking at the scowling Cimmerian.
He should pay attention to the battle rather than watching Thorgrim though, as Rexor has just seen what happened to his buddy, and is seriously p*ssed!
Old Bluffer's Note
I've scored this death more highly than I otherwise might, mainly due to the overall comedic look of Thorgrim, especially when he thinks he's being crafty just before triggering the trap.
