Written by Old Bluffer 2nd Nov 2007
Voros is a violent, east European gangster who is obsessed with all things extra-terrestrial. He also happens to be very rich, which is handy for Ray Santilli, a small-time wheeler dealer from the North of England. Santilli, whilst on a trip to the US, meets an old man who claims to have an original reel of tape showing an alien autopsy from Roswell, 1947. Santilli watches the footage, and immediately believes that it will make his fortune. The only snag is that Santilli barely has enough money for a bottle of Newcastle Brown Ale, and the man wants $30,000 for it.
So, he approaches Voros, the only man with the necessary combination of wealth and craziness who will invest.
After threatening murder should Santilli be found to be lying, the deal is agreed and Voros provides the money. Santilli returns home triumphant, and organises a screening for family and friends, only to discover that the film has completely degraded since his first viewing. He understandably doesn't fancy explaining this to Voros, so embarks on a mad plan to remake the film with the help of the local kebab vendor (who shoots wedding videos at the weekend) and an old mannikin maker (who is dating his gran) to create the alien cadaver.
The shooting of this faked film is pretty much the only segment of this "comedy" that scrapes above "tolerably entertaining", and there are even some amusing scenes where Santilli's gran disrupts shots by offering people biscuits on camera etc. Smiles are all too few though, and as this film was intended as an International vehicle to promote UK TV mainstays Ant and Dec, it was almost certainly a failure.
Anyway, to cut a short story even shorter, the film is a runaway success, and the whole of the world's media go absolutely nuts over fighting for broadcast rights. So, in less time than it takes an American to say "who the hell are Ant and Dec anyway?", Santilli and his partners are rich to the tune of three quarters of a million dollars.
The only problem with this of course is that their old friend Voros wants an 80/20 slice of the action, and to show who's the boss plans on stopping all broadcasts of the film.
Fortunately for Santilli, the American military have been studying events with increasing panic, believing the film to be genuine, but have now suddenly realised it is a hopelessly amateurish hoax. This is sweet news to them, as it will keep the conspiracy theorists working overtime for decades, and take the heat off of their real Roswell footage. So, in order to get maximum coverage for the film, they need to eliminate Voros.
This assassination, when it comes, is moderately original. Voros is taking some quality free time to caper about stark bollock naked in a cornfield (in the middle of crop circles, naturally). So, all the US spooks need to do is mow him down with a land rover and then drive off again.
Thoughts on the film:
As noted, there isn't really much to this film, it roughly follows the real life story of Santilli, but does so in a rather lazy (if inoffensive) fashion. The main problem is that the jokes are far too infrequent and the script has less sparkle than a cubic zirconia bought from eBay. Ant and Dec are also mediocre at best, so I don't think we'll be seeing them in a Hollywood blockbuster any time soon.